Time sneaks up on us yet again and it’s a new year already? Almost.
Seems impossible, but maybe that’s just my Mayan hangover talking. I have to say I’m kind of pissed at the Mayans right now, inconsiderate calendar carvers that they were!! I mean, really! I took the trouble of digging that backyard shelter and stocking it with provisions for the end of the world, the least they could do is be accurate. The family and I took refuge on the eve of that supposed catastrophe and when the fermented “refreshments” and Hot Pockets finally ran out we ended up crawling back out of the ground to find what? Everything exactly the same as when we went down in that death trap I’d constructed using only the cheapest materials available. Now we look like freaky mole people, squinting painfully at the winter sky, and our extended families are massively irritated because we didn’t go to the trouble of doing anything for Christmas. Well, why would we? Hello, we thought the world was coming to an end!
I guess the continued presence of electricity for the microwave and DVD player should have been our first clue that things were not going to Hell in a hand basket. Lesson learned. I guess that’s the last time I believe some ancient mathematical calculations foretelling the end of everything. And, can you believe it, now a bunch of academics claim that it was all a misinterpretation of the calendar in the first place. Where were you two weeks ago, Professor Know-It-All?!?
Oh well, here are some other things I won’t be doing in 2013:
I refuse to take notice of fireworks unless they are justified. If you just scored a touchdown, great, but why do you have to fire off a miniature bomb every time you do it? And the extra point, really? How is that worthy of any sort of expenditure of gunpowder? Furthermore, why must an amusement park set off what can only be considered a spectacular pyrotechnic display worthy of a crowned head of state every night of the week? I don’t care how happy a place is, it’s ridiculous. Fireworks used to be special, now they’re sold at Target. From now on I vow to acknowledge fireworks only when they are relevant, which means New Year’s Eve and the 4th of July or if I happen to be in another country when there is a great national occasion.
I’m not going to drink the cheapest beer anymore. Life’s too short to accept the same swill that I had no choice but to put up with when I was in college. I don’t have long hair anymore and I don’t have to scrounge for change to buy a twelver, so why should I drink a Silver Bullet something from St. Louis when I could enjoy something else that actually tastes good? With all the local microbreweries around, I don’t have to drink from the fire hose. I will, however, still applaud and look forward to the Super Bowl commercials touting said homogenized domestic brews!
I won’t use the word microbrewery again.
I won’t say homogenized anymore unless referring to milk.
I won’t waste time. Ah, who am I kidding? I will. I know I will, but here’s what I won’t do: I’m not gonna feel bad about it. I resolve to be guilt-free in 2013.
When I am out I won’t eat anything guilt-free. Again, life’s too short. Doesn’t mean I don’t care, but I can get my fiber and watch my fat/salt/crap intake at home. Why do it at a restaurant?
I won’t talk about the fiscal cliff. I’m adventurous. Let’s jump!
I won’t be reckless. Please do something about the fiscal cliff you uncompromising Washington bozos!!
I won’t use “bozo” as a derogatory term. It insults Bozo the Clown who is a treasure of the clown community.
I won’t talk about clowns anymore. I know many people find them creepy. Sorry.
I won’t apologize, unless I’m wrong, which I’m not, but if I am, I’m sorry. Oops! Damn it!! Okay, that’s the last one.
I won’t be afraid, unless it’s dark and I hear a weird noise.
I won’t worry about zombies. What’s the point? Countless TV shows and movies have shown us that zombies are easily dealt with if you own a shotgun. They’re slow and only minor characters end up getting attacked, so just create a life where you are the star, that way you don’t have to fret. Your friend from college who works at the coffee shop though, she’s pretty much toast. Plus, I’m betting that zombies have cable access and they’ve seen how we deal with their kind, so I bet that they’re more afraid of us than we are of them.
I won’t buy a shotgun.
I won’t forget to say please and thank you.
I won’t forget to say I love you.
I won’t let the sun set on an argument.
I won’t let my pride get in the way of my humility. What does that even mean? (I’m sure someone said it before. If not, dibs!) I guess it means that I won’t react when other people are being dumb. I’m sure they have their reasons. Maybe I should just ask. Imagine the connections we could make if we just really sat down and tried to understand one another…
I won’t say stupid stuff like that anymore.
I won’t ask you why you are being stupid. That would be rude. I’ll just raise my eyebrows in a superior way and then make notes to avoid you in the future.
I won’t presume to consider myself above stupidity. It’s a fact. We make mistakes, I have the pictures to prove it. Let’s move on.
I won’t expect people to act according to the better angels of their nature anymore. They won’t. (Who came up with that angels line, anyway? Was it Lincoln? By the way, how come no one ever talks about the portrayal of Lincoln from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure? That guy was pretty good. San Dimas High School Football Rules!!) People are gonna do what they do. I should get over it.
I won’t get over it. Just sayin’.
I won’t forget that life moves pretty fast sometimes. (Thanks, Ferris.)
I won’t forget the lessons I learned this year.
I won’t forget those who have gone away.
I won’t forget that family is more important than everything else.
I won’t write resolution posts disguised as anti-resolution posts anymore.